creature fear

you scream with me
i lay down there
i lay down there
i pretend to be blind and deaf
so i lay down and stare at the ceiling
pretending i see flowers and the blue skies
and birds.
so i remember last week
staring at the ceiling of a bathroom when at uni
unable to go on

i did not have to pretend anything there

the floor is comfortable, its temperature is lower, its hard and reminds me that there is something outside my own body. that i am there.
in the floor i get to focus less on the fear that runs through my veins
you have the panic's syndrome they say
well so what
that's just a diagnosis right?
its easy to look at this type of things from above and write it on paper and say you have this and that
but when it's with you it seems so distant, like they are not living it
do they see the nuances?
do they see that i am not having a panic attack right now?
do they see the hard wood floor calming me down cause i cannot hug my mother or my grandmother or any mother figure?
do they see that i haven't sleep in weeks?
do they see that i feel so exhausted that i don't pay attention for things straight right now?
do they see i am crying?
do they see i did not leave the house today cause i was in fear of being alone?
do they see i wake up around 6 times a night out of fear?
they see me at a consult
a day a month
and they say take this take that
it will make you feel better
will it?

my friends say
push the fear away
and ll i can remember is
about how with depression all i'd say was face the fears
face them bastards right in the eye
and hug them hard
and cry
and they are no longer monsters
yeah i laugh at that now
new monsters new approach right?
are they really new?

my hands fly in the sky
i make them fly
as paper planes
and i follow the light that comes from the window
making a rainbow in my fingers
that's the biggest amount of time i am able to stay with myself without any distraction to the panic sensations
then i have to watch grey's anatomy so much in a roll that i feel damn exhausted
and fell asleep on my tablet
cause my body seems not to be able to control the exhaustion to put me asleep anymore
not on his own
with all them thoughts

it reminds me hard of 2013
i thought i have left it
behind

and then i am watching
and watching and watching and watching and watching
its almost like i am not myself no more
not broken

i am not broken i am not broken
i laugh
i am so broken
its ok you there i don't think being broke is bad you don't have to fear saying it out loud

then cristina is going through ptsd
and it is 2013 all over again
i have berried that
probably did a very horrible job

but hey you gotta go to college tomorrow they say
yeah
good luck with that
let's see if tomorrow i can.
every day is the next day where is less worse than the day before, right?