turmoil is my favourite word in english but not my preferred meaning

my heart's racing fast and i don't know why
all i can think of is how i miss the christmas tree and the christmas lights
my hands are shaking and i feel like fainting
and the slow sound of a background video seems like too much
when together with my confusing lousy heart
so i have to stop everything
and tell myself to breath
but even my own touch seems like too much stimuli
near all this turmoil that torments my mind
seems like i'm going crazy
but how come a couple of cupcakes is more important
then making this house a home under presence
and caring and loving and small gestures of kindness
by buying some christmas lights
and saying it's all gonna be alright dear?
they are not here
but neither do you
even with your everyday presence
it seems like a lonesome long period of hurtful holidays
my heart stopped racing
but i can still feel it tired
of trying to catch up whatever this panic attack was all about

i wanted to make my own traditions to this new place
and paint everything red and green
while putting some christmassy music and put some lights under the ceiling
we can watch the grinch and eat chinese i said
but my words echoe under the empty walls of this house
that is not yet a home.